He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I deserve this hangover.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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