remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
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Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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