Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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