If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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