My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
