just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
