the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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