I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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