the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
