I think im going to throw up on grandma
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
