watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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