She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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