Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
