I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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