I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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