youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
