my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
