my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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