I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
