"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
