Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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