it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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