taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
