my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
