he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
