even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We need to rekindle our bromance
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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