I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
