I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
