we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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