I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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