I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
