I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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