It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
