Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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