I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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