Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
