please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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