He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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