1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
