quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wear drunk well.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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