Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
