I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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