I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
