his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
