I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
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I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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