If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.