Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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