I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dating After Heartbreak
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra