i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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