hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to align my fucking chakras
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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