College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
