do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
