How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
