when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
