what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
