pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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