Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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