I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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