btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
