i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
