At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
