are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
