mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
