this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
